The Rules, Lake House edition
- These rules apply to all guests of the Lake House. These rules can be modified, ignored or violated at any time for any reason by the hosts. The hosts may appoint other guests host status at their discretion, but appointed hosts must ask permission from an actual host before violating any of The Rules. Plying the hosts with food, drink, or sexual favors in order to obtain host status is acceptable.
- Doug's Rule Anyone who is on fire or covered in corrosive
acid will be asked to leave the Lake House
immediately.
- Doug's Rule Deux Anyone who sets another person
or item on fire or covers him/her/it in corrosive acid will
also be asked to leave immediately.
- Andy's Rule The penalty for setting Andy Liguori on fire (or for being Andy Liguori on fire) is nearly immediate dismissal from the premises. We say 'nearly' because it will take us a few minutes to remove all your clothing and drive you out to the highway.
- You will clean up after yourself. Your parents are not here, and there is no maid. On the last day of the trip, all guests should strip their beds and bring the sheets to the hosts for laundering. If you're upstairs, dropping them over the railing isn't just allowed but preferred. Yelling 'Cowabunga' is recommended.
- Be respectful of Judy and Rocky's belongings. This
house is decorated with many of their favorite treasures, and it
is outfitted with many amenities they allow us to enjoy. If
you break it, you will replace it, and probably have to apologize
to Mister English (you'll be calling him Mister English, yes sirree).
- Only those who have completed and can display their
current marine operator's license will be allowed to drive the
power and/or pontoon boats. Noone who has been drinking will
pilot watercraft.
- To fish, you must have a fishing license. One can be purchased at the local gas station.
- All water craft will be re-filled with gas, cleaned out, and covered/docked at the end of the weekend. This is The Right Thing to do, as that will be the condition we will find them in when we arrive.
- Life jackets are mandatory. Why? Because it doesn't matter how well you can swim if you're unconscious.
- The jet ski is an expensive and dangerous toy. If you have been drinking, it is off-limits. If you tip it, you will stay with it until help arrives. If you damage it, you will help pay for repairs. If you are not willing to do any one of these things, please stay off the personal watercraft. Inexperienced drivers should not take it out alone.
- Before leaving the dock on any of the watercraft, you
must tell someone where you are going and how long you will be
gone.
- Noone goes to the Big Lake solo.
- You may be asked to perform basic household maintenance
during your stay. This could include hanging pictures, repairing
floats, hauling shit, or taking out the trash. Complain and we
just might drown you for being so damned ungrateful.
- Marsh's Rule No bad attitudes, battles, or bitching, unless games
are being played. When gaming, bad attitudes, battles and bitching
are encouraged. Cheating is optional.
- No calorie counting. No dieting. Healthy meals are
allowed, but they should at least taste fattening.
- No children. Adults who behave like children will
be asked to leave.
- All cigarette butts will be disposed of properly.
Throwing them in the lake is not 'properly'. Smoking is not
permitted in the house or on the boats. It is allowed on the deck, but for gods' sake, use an ashtray. What were you, raised in a barn? (We promise to actually supply ashtrays this year!)
- Anyone caught abusing, taunting malevolently, or in
general mistreating any of the feline/canine visitors to the
Lake House will be immediately executed. We'd also appreciate
it if you'd not let the four-legged escape to the outside, as
they don't live here either and could get lost.
- Drinking to the point of vomiting is discouraged.
Vomiting anywhere but the bathroom is prohibited. If you get
alcohol poisoning,or do something equally stupid while drunk,
just remember -- we believe in Darwin. We'll let you
die.
- "I was drunk" is not an appropriate excuse for breaking
any of the above rules. In fact, the punishment for offering "I
was drunk" as an excuse for poor behavior is being set on fire.
Outside.