The Rules

  1. Doug's Rule

    Anyone who is on fire or covered in corrosive acid will be asked to leave immediately.

  2. Doug's Rule, part 2

    Anyone who sets another person or item on fire or covers him/her/it in corrosive acid will also be asked to leave immediately.

  3. Andy's Rule

    The additional penalty for setting Andy Liguori on fire (or for being Andy Liguori on fire) is the removal of all clothing save for socks prior to dismissal. Dismissal in this scenerio involves being driven down to Cary Parkway. Naked. And possibly wet. As in drenched with the garden hose wet, not pleasurably wet. You've been warned.

  4. The Clown Rule

    No clowns. No non-mylar balloons. That goes double for balloon animals, and triple for clowns making balloon animals. And we're SO not kidding here.

  5. Anyone caught abusing, taunting malevolently, or in general mistreating the feline occupant of our house will be immediately executed. No exceptions. Do not seek out the cat without proper supervision and/or permission. She is an indoor-only kitty, not accustomed to large crowds of people, and will retire to a bedroom during the celebration. She would probably flee in terror if presented with an open door, so be particularly vigilant if she has escaped her accomodations.

  6. We own lots of knick-knacks/collectibles and have no children. Therefore, there are quite a few dangerous items lying around the place within a child's reach -- fire, caustic chemicals, sharp pokey things (not to mention the porn). We love short people, but unless we're babysitting, we've probably not child-proofed nearly enough! That being said, this year's fete is probably not the best place for children. The combination of the later hour, and the preceding wedding reception make it conceivable that some folks will be a bit toasty from their arrival on. So, lest you'd like your kiddies repeating ribald stories to Teacher come Monday... leave them behind with a babysitter. Feel free to bring your kids by the place earlier that week if they want to see the decor, but that night's a grown-up affair only. Sorry!

  7. Subsection 1: Party Rules
    1. It is perfectly permissible to talk about your "wild days of youth". However, we are no longer interested in recreating them. Drugs, underage drinkers, random hookups in dark closets (ours, not yours -- go home and do as you like!), and reckless vomiting are totally off-limits.

    2. Because it is permissable to discuss the things listed in Party Rule 1A, and because the social makeup of these sorts of gatherings can be mixed, it is expected that you will discover the identity of any new aquaintences -- to ensure they are not the boss, underling, significant other, child, or parent of the host or another guest -- *before* you tell any wild stories involving other guests or the host(s).

    3. If you have had too much to drink, you will not drive home. We will find you a ride, call you a cab, or throw some blankets on the back porch so you don't freeze to death out there.

  8. All cigarette butts will be disposed of properly. Throwing them in the yard or driveway is not 'properly'. Ashtrays and ashcans will be provided on the porches. Smoking in the graveyard is highly discouraged. Note the huge amount of pinestraw surrounding our abode and do the math on that yourself. Smoking is not permitted in the house.

  9. Subsection 2: Rules concerning Shots of Liquor

    At any time, at the discretion of the hosts, a bottle of a fine mixed-liquor beverage and three skull-shaped shot glasses may be made available to any of-age guests, with a few simple but unbreakable caveats:

    1. This liquor must be consumed three shots at a time from the three shot glasses that are provided, with one person per shot glass.

    2. Shots can be poured as stiff or as mild as the drinker prefers.

    3. The shots must be set up and poured, and then consumed simultaneously by the correct number of drinkers. Some form of celebratory exultation is appreciated, but not required.

    4. If a glass is broken or otherwise unavailable, then two shots must be consumed, etc.. If there are no glasses remaining, the party is over, and apparently it was a rousing success but we're likely never having one again.

  10. Drinking to the point of vomiting is discouraged. Vomiting anywhere but the bathroom is prohibited. If you get alcohol poisoning, or do something equally stupid while drunk, just remember -- we believe in Darwin. We'll let you die.

  11. "I was drunk" is not an appropriate excuse for breaking any of the above rules. In fact, the punishment for offering "I was drunk" as an excuse for poor behavior is being set on fire. Outside.

  12. All rules are subject to modification by residents of the house and only residents of the house, except for Item 7, Subsection 1C and the entirety of Item 9, Subsection 2 which are unmodifiable and apply to all persons, no exceptions. Residents of the house may appoint honorary residence upon any guest of their choosing. Honorary guests may make decisions regarding the house and its occupants, but not in violation of The Rules unless approved by an actual rent-paying housemate.