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The Ringworm Scandal

By Steve Lucas

I went out to the creep the other day
To give the calves a bale of hay
And boy was I in for a surprise!

The calves were all waiting on me
As unhappy as they could be
They had these big white circles around their eyes!

Well, I don't mean to brag or boast,
But I knew what it was from a BeefToday-L post
RINGWORM!, I knew excactly what to do.

Toothpaste would get rid of it best
So I drove to town and bought a case of Crest
And got my wife's old toothbrush from the bathroom too.

I caught their heads and I scrubbed 'em good
Got every one like I knew I should
And thought "I hope this works, it doesn't seem to hard."

They started clearin' up like they said it would,
And I was feelin' pretty good,
When six armored vehicles pulled up in the yard.

Then helicopters swooped in low
And this big guy dressed like G I Joe
Said "We are here from the FDA."

"Crest won't cure ringworm, it's a fable!
You see it is not on the label
You've broken 'bout a zillion laws I'd say."

"You've committed a most awful crime,
We don't know about withdrawal time
Then there is acute toxicity and residue."

They arrested me, and I paid a fine
Now I'm in the pokey doin' time.
But when I get out I know what I'll do.

'Stead of sittin' here shootin' the breeze,
I've been reading 'bout alternative remedies
Like gas and booze and leeches and all that stuff.

And my cows were lookin' a little poor
They are wormy, that's for shore.
So I reckon I'll worm 'em with a can of snuff.

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