By Terri Phoenix
On or before May 8, I will be voting against the proposed amendment to the North Carolina Constitution. The amendment reads, “Marriage between a man and a woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.â€
The impacts of this poorly worded amendment would affect North Carolinians of all sexual orientations. Many state and municipal employees would lose the ability to provide health insurance coverage for their families. Some domestic-violence protections currently available to unmarried couples who have lived together would no longer be available. There are legitimate concerns about the impact of the amendment on recruitment and retention of businesses.
What most concerns me about the possible passage of this amendment is that in the event of my wife’s death, my custody of our beloved 2-year-old daughter could be jeopardized. Our daughter’s name is Duncan, and she is the light of my life. Although my wife and I were legally married in Massachusetts on Oct. 28, 2008, the North Carolina statute defining marriage prohibits recognition of that marriage in this state. What that means for our family is that under North Carolina law I have no legal relationship to my daughter.
To secure as much connection to my daughter as possible, my wife and I have spent a great deal of money, time and energy executing legal documents demonstrating my connection to her (e.g., minor child health care power of attorney; parenting and support agreement; my wife’s will, in which I am named as the preferred guardian). None of these documents are necessarily binding, and in the event of my wife’s death there is the very real possibility that Duncan would be placed into foster care while I petition the court for custody.
Due to the limitations of the existing documents, I also went through a lengthy and expensive process of what was referred to as “second-parent adoption.†It is the same process that a non-biological stepparent uses to adopt a child of a person he/she/ze has married. On Dec. 17, 2010, the judge granted my adoption of Duncan, and I breathed easier. This lasted only for a brief three days until the state Supreme Court ruled that the second-parent adoption process was not legal in the case of same-sex couples (Boseman v. Jarrell).
While the decision was crushing and largely renders my adoption decree invalid, I have comforted myself with the fact that even in that ruling the court affirmed the relationship of the child to the non-biological parent because the couple “intentionally and voluntarily created a family unit in which plaintiff was intended to act – and acted – as a parent. The parties jointly decided to bring a child into their relationship, worked together to conceive a child, chose the child’s first name together, and gave the child a last name that ‘is a hyphenated name composed of both parties’ last names.’ The parties also publicly held themselves out as the child’s parents at a baptismal ceremony and to their respective families. The record also contains ample evidence that defendant allowed plaintiff and the minor child to develop a parental relationship.â€
I wonder if such logic could have been used if the proposed amendment had been passed prior to that ruling.
What if the court had not been able to recognize the validity of the couple’s partnership? Would the court have been able to recognize the couple and their child as a “family unit†or not? These are the questions that keep me up at night these days and that make me consider leaving this state that I love and have called home since 1985.
I respect the rights of those who see marriage as a religious sacrament or rite that should be consecrated only between one man and one woman. I will not try to change your belief nor demand that your place of worship accept me or my family. I am asking you to consider that the potential impacts of this amendment go far beyond same-sex marriage. Please don’t vote for this amendment that could further threaten my legal connection to my daughter. No child should have to lose one parent – let alone two.
Terri Phoenix is the director of the LGBTQ Center at UNC. The preceding comments are Phoenix’s own and do not represent the position of the LGBTQ Center, UNC or the UNC System.