This Material does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of my company, my colleagues, my wife, my wife's family, my psychiatrist, or Malcolm who hates black backgrounds and ; my guru, my priest or rabbi, my significant other, my friends, my worst enemies, my dog, my cat, my aardvark or my ferret; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything, except that what I say is OK. Beware of imitations. Often imitated, never duplicated. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is intentional and not purely coincidental. Don't sit too close to the monitor; hand wash only, drip dry; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; anchovies, capers and marmalade added upon request; your mileage may vary depending on average speed; extra toppings available for a nominal fee; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; quantities are limited while supplies last; this offer is void where prohibited: humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; shown actual size; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; data may have settled during mailing; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; internal bleeding may develop due to prolonged use; avoid direct contact with skin, nasal cavities, or eyes; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of any and all jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; For external use only! Do not snort, lick, or take internally. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; May cause intestinal difficulties; always wear your safety goggles; never engage in unsafe data transfer; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; no trespassing; one size fits all; joke offer valid only at participating sites; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are discovered, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; disclaimer does not cover tornado, flood, hurricane, lightning, volcanic eruption, earthquake, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered signatures, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, airplane crash, ship sinking, leaky roof, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, broken glass, flying projectiles, bad karma, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. Leave me out of it! Copyright 1996 - 2000 Phil Franks. Everything you are or perceive you are is subject to change without notice. Remember if you don't like what you see, close your eyes, take a deep breath, reboot and rebuild your desktop file. Better yet, get your own life. Take nothing seriously. This Disclaimer was basically lifted from someone who lifted it from someone who lifted it from someone else. Acknowledgements to: Robert Altman, (not the film director!) Thank you to Lola for transtyping and for being here when I'm not around for anybody, Malcolm Humes for introducing me to WebWackery, and for nurturing me. All flames to: Phil Franks (firstname.lastname@example.org)... if you really must!